Parenting Beyond the Playground

The hard part of parenting is beginning.

I've enjoyed parenting small children. 

I've been able to guide, distract, direct, and spanky-spoon my kids into proper behavior. They aren't perfect kids by any means, but parenting seems more black and white when children are younger.

"Don't hit the kid with the stick."

"Pick up your toys or you'll go to time-out."

"If you do that again, you will not get ice cream."

I consider that "playground parenting", which is highly important and necessary. Don't underestimate laying the foundation for good behavior when your kids are little.

But now, parenting has taken on a whole new meaning. 

Opie has dealt with a lot the past few years: moving multiple times far away from friends and family, dealing with a traveling Father, and lately, his unidentified sickness.

I knew it had taken a toll on him. Tonight he shared his thoughts.

And I was humbled.

I have never felt so unable. 

I felt so inadequate listening to him. Trying to comfort him. Trying to make sense of his heart's precious words. 

How could I expect to impart wisdom to a nine year old things that I am still struggling with myself?!?!

But, I was reminded in my heart that I can't focus on myself. In fact, I told him, "I will let you down. Because I am human. I will not handle this all perfectly. God is the only one who will never do you wrong, even when you think otherwise."

Opie and I. High Point State Park, NJ. June 2013

Can I just say, booooy, do I want to "fix" Opie. I want to take it all away. His fears and anxiety. His worry. His troubles. 

But, I can't.

I can continue to seek God, though. And to ask Him to lead me. To change me. To teach me to lean on Him for my strength.

And encourage Opie to do the same.

I will continue to be there for my son. 

I will listen.

And love.

And cuddle with him as he drifts off to sleep. 

Yes, this is the tough side of parenting that I wasn't prepared for. 

But, then again, none of us are. We are each flawed people, full of backgrounds and plenty of our own internal "junk." 

The good news is: God can take my weak, fragile heart and through the Spirit of Jesus, grant me the grace, humility and power to lead my precious Opie through this storm of life.

And by golly, I am his Mom. So I WILL accept that challenge. 

Opie and I. High Point State Park, NJ. June 2013.

Lord, lead me. Minute by minute. Take Opie's mind and fill it with your peace. Your strength. Your hope. Help me to be radically changed by your Spirit so that I may have the ability to be the Mom I need to be for Him. I can not do it without you, Lord. I will fail miserably if it is by my strength. You are in control. May I be the hands and feet and words of Jesus to my children. Teach me Lord. I am willing to learn. May Opie come to know your tenderness and love in the depths of his heart. May he lay his worries at your feet and live a life full of your Presence. Please help me model what that looks like right in front of him. 

Dark Moments

It's been the hardest two months of my life, watching my child go through physical illness with no answers from doctors.

Seeing his fear and worry. Hearing his prayers for healing. Answering his questions, "Why won't God heal me, Mama?"

NOT easy.

There have been low moments. Dark moments.

I wish I could say I've passed this test so far with flying colors, but that wouldn't be truthful.

When catastrophe hits, the real me comes out.

My distrust with God shows. My anger and resentment take over. My worry, fear, anxiety and selfishness become second nature.

But, something has changed in me this time. 

God has plunged into the depths of my heart. To bring to light areas that I have avoided. Areas I've neglected to hand over. Areas too painful to deal with.

He has used these dark moments to show me how only He can bring hope into a hopeless situation. (I have read scripture on God's hope over and over and over the past couple of weeks.) I have cried many tears and begged and pleaded with Him. I have had to be painfully honest with myself. 

You see, He has shown me that I've been too busy... with life. I've been a distracted parent and wife.

I've neglected important things because I've been distracted by unimportant things.


But, funny how when your child is sick, nothing else matters except getting them well. "Things" no longer matter at ALL.


What matters is, God has brought hope to my heart. He has filled me with peace that passes understanding. He has used this trial to transform me, my family and best of all, my relationship with Opie.

I've loved Opie, but I have not loved him well. 

I won't say I'm thankful my child is sick. No WAY. 

But, what I will say, is I am thankful for a God who radically pursues my heart and will use even the worst situations to turn my heart towards Him. Because he wants me to live this life in the full knowledge of how much he loves me. He wants me to intimately know Him. 

We will continue to pray for healing and also follow the doctor's recommendations. But, at the end of the day, I will rest in the arms of the One who spoke into existence all things. That brings my heart peace, knowing Opie is in the palm of His hands. 



Lord, grant me the strength to keep going. The faith to stay hopeful. The wisdom to make the right decisions for my precious son. And the ability to look for ways to bless others even in my dark times. Thank you for changing me. For opening my eyes to see that I had become a negative, overworked, stressed out, selfish Momma. Force me to soak in these fleeting moments with my two boys. Help me stop rushing. To play more. Wander more. To let the dust bunnies roam freely. I want to be changed, so that my boys can see You in me. Lord, you are faithful. I will praise You in all things. Thank you for healing my heart and giving me hope.

I WILL be different. I will NOT live with regrets. 

Here's to soaking it in....