Letter to Myself

Dear Self,

I know you mean well, but the high expectations you constantly place on me unintentionally make life seem impossible. It's daunting enough just trying to stay on top of things, but why do you make me feel like I'm always supposed to be doing more?

More crafts. More exercise. More cleaning. More home-cooked meals. More one-on-one time with my children.  More Bible time. More organization. More. More. More.

And, it's never enough.

I'm not skinny enough. Healthy enough. I don't clean enough. I'm not creative enough. Pretty enough. Fashionable enough. Spiritual enough. Disciplined enough. Nice enough. Fun enough. Hospitable enough. Smart enough. Thankful enough.

So, I try so hard to be better.

Better at saving money. Better with my time. Better at slowing down. Better at speeding up. Better at being a wife. Being a better friend. Better at household management. Being a better parent.

And just when I think I'm doing better, someone else comes along who's doing more, and again, I'm back to feeling like I'm not enough.

Why can't I just ever be enough?


Sincerely Exhausted,

 Me

Have you ever felt like you could have written the above letter? Maybe it's just me, but we all have times as women where we struggle with just feeling like we are simply enough. That we are loved and appreciated just as we are.

 There's a movie I saw years ago called, "Forces of Nature", with Ben Affleck and Sandra Bullock. In one scene, they are dancing, and Sandra starts giving Ben marriage advice, since he is headed to his wedding. One line has stuck with me after all of these years. She says to him, "No matter what annoying habits she has, just realize that she's dealing with a huge mountain of imperfections every day. So you might just want to let it go."

I loved that line! As women, we set such high expectations on ourselves and struggle with what to do when we can't live up to them.

News Flash: 

Your imperfections do not define who you are. 

They have made you who you are. 

You're enough because God made you and loves you just as you are.

You don't have to be better  or try harder for His love.

He loves you more than you ever thought possible.                           

Enough actually is enough.

Trying to be better is fine, but do it in the understanding that you are already enough. 

You are worth way more than you give yourself credit for. 

You really are. 

Sincerely,

Uh-Oh. Daddy's In Charge.

On Monday, June 4^th, I am having hip surgery. “Hip surgery?” you might ask. “How old is this chick?”

Well, if you must know, I am thirty-two. And I have a labral tear in my hip, which medically speaking, means my hip hurts badly.

It apparently happened around twelve years ago when I must have had some trauma to my hip. It has progressively gotten worse and most recently has had me stuck on the floor unable to get up. The pain is excruciating and forces me to cry out loudly, which scares my toddler to death.

So, we knew it was time to do something about it. I wondered, though, “How will I juggle everything on crutches? I have a toddler who loves his mommy and an eight year old who relies on me for a lot, too.” But, my wonderful husband was able to get two weeks off from work to take over Mommy duty.

That’s right. My husband will officially be my replacement for two whole weeks. He has been gearing up for the challenge by making spreadsheets for meals and snacks (I’m not kidding) and planning daily schedules. I have a little apprehension about his temporary role for a two reasons.

A.     I must let go of total household control.

Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. The works. I know he will do a great job, but there are certain things that concern me. Like, when he does the dishes, will he rinse out the sink afterwards? Sure the laundry will be done, but will he cross contaminate by putting the dirty clothes in the clean basket and the clean clothes in the dirty basket? These are all serious issues people. I mean, how can I rest knowing there might be food particles stuck to the sides of the sink?

    

B.     He might actually out-do me.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a tad nervous that his spreadsheet organization might just set a new standard for how this household runs. I mean, I am more organized than I used to be, but I am still a sanguine personality, which means I enjoy flying by the seat of my pants to some degree. What if he actually gets it all done and at the end of the day thinks, “Man. What does she complain about? She’s got it so easy. This is a cake walk.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Brianne, that won’t happen.” But, to some degree I guess I worry that my flaws as a household manager might be exposed in a rather dramatic fashion.

Truth be told, I do know it will not be easy for him. I know that no amount of planning I have ever done prepared me for the unexpected. Kids get sick. Recipes flop. Fatigue kicks in. Laundry gets backed-up. You forget to turn the crockpot off and cook your seven-hour recipe for thirteen hours. (Uh-oh. Did I just say that out loud?) 

Being a Mom is hard. Heck, being a woman is hard. Throw in our responsibilities, insecurities, expectations and our complex multi-tasking abilities and we tend to harbor on borderline skitzophrenia!

So, as I glance over my shoulder at my husband’s lofty plans for his two-week stint as Super-dad, I must remind myself to let it go. Whether he forgets to spot treat the laundry or vacuum under the edges of the rug, I am blessed to have a husband who is willing to be my hands and feet when I am down.

But, that doesn’t mean I won’t be doing inward fist pumps when he has to revise his spreadsheets.

My First Blog

I, Brianne, do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, the ugly truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

You wanna know something? I don't enjoy reading blogs.

Well, occasionally, I'll click a link on Facebook when something sounds interesting, but that's about it.

For starters, I don't have time to read blogs. I am a wife, a stay-at-home mother of two (one being a toddler who just so happens to be sleeping which is the only reason I am able to even be typing this), a volunteer, a control-freak, a Southern belle who was just transplanted to another planet (called New Jersey) a little over a year ago.

Secondly, I have viewed most "Mommy bloggers" as women who have it all together. I have viewed them as organized, crafty, picture-perfect, successful, fashionable, training-for-a-marathon, ain't-my-life grand, I-deserve-Mommy-of-the-year-cuz-my-kids-don't-eat-high-fructose-corn-syrup kind of women.

No thank you. I think I'd rather just sit and Pinterest for a while and see a thousand other ways I can't seem to compete with the plethora of supermoms these days. At least that way I can tell myself that those ideas came from lots of different people and not just one person.

I mean, really. Why can't I get it together like these women? I try and try to implement things, but I never seem to stick with them. My exercise routines are anything but consistent and the last time I even had time to make a craft, I hot-glued some buttons onto a onesie for Austin's first birthday. I used hot-glue because I couldn't use a sewing machine if my life depended on it. Sometimes I even imagine what life would be like living in a home where my kid's playroom toys are color-coordinated. A place where my kids could sit at perfectly organized craft tables painting houses surrounded by rainbows, butterflies and daisies. A place that could inspire my kids to grow up and become nuclear physicists or better yet, save the ozone layer. And later in life, when asked what the reason behind their success was, they would say, "That's easy. The three P's. The Perfect, Pottery-barn Playroom."

Now, don't miss what I am saying. I love Pottery Barn. I love decorating. Heck, it's what I went to school for, but, it seems that "supermom syndrome" has taken on a life of it's own, and those of us who don't measure up feel we must be lazy, unorganized or completely failing as a mother.

But, I am realizing the truth of the situation. These women don't have it all together. And their goal isn't to make me feel inferior or worthless. They are just figuring it out as they go, too. They have worked hard to find time to rediscover themselves and share their talents. They are in different situations. They have different abilities. They have chosen to share things they have discovered, things that might make someone else's life a little easier. Okay, maybe 'Ways to Cook a Great Leg of Lamb' isn't easier, but for some moms, that cranks their tractor. Hey, don't we all want to feel like we have more to offer than just doing dishes, wiping noses and folding laundry? (which alone are amazing accomplishments) 

Right now may not be the time for me to be making tissue-paper flowers, but one day if I decide to do it, it's good to know a mom out there has taken out all of the guess work for me! We all want to grow and be better at things. We should look at others and become inspired to be more than what we are, but not at the expense of our own self-worth.

So, there it is. My first blog. And by the way, if your kid's playroom toys are color-coordinated or you run marathons or your kids don't eat high-fructose corn syrup, then don't let me scare you off. Chances are, I could stand to learn a few things from you. That being said, I could stand to learn a few things from each one of you who even carved out the time to read this. In fact, I want you to share ideas or things that would be funny to hear about. I am open to suggestions.

I can't promise you amazing do-it-yourself crafts, for now. But, I can tell you how I pulled a rabbit out of my hat when I remembered that Jayden needed a craft for school ten minutes before the bus came. I can't promise you '10 Different Ways to Braise Pork', but, I can tell you that I keep a huge bag of dino-nuggets in my freezer for nights where I Just. Can't. Go. Any. More.

I want this blog to make you laugh. At me. At yourself. At life itself. I want to be real so no one thinks they are alone in their struggles. And if all else fails, you can read my antics and think, "Well, at least I ain't that crazy!"

I share because I feel the need to be real. An open book. Like a friend who always makes you feel loveable, warts and all. So stay tuned. I will be sharing lots of my crazy ways, my "Bri-antics", if you will. And I promise to tell the truth. The whole truth. The ugly truth. And nothing but the truth.

Believe me, I couldn't make this stuff up.