Is This Thing Still On...?

"Checking. Checking. 1,2,3... "

Hi.

Yes, it's been a while.

I must say, there have been countless times I wanted to blog. Where I felt the urge to share.

But, something kept telling me to "wait." Well, not some thing, but some One.

You see, I'm quite social. And, if you couldn't tell already, I love to talk.

And to be painfully honest, I like to hear myself talk. Especially when I feel like I have it figured out.

Whatever "it" is.

But, God has been doing a number on me. Lawd have mercy, has He!

The past few months have brought out a lot of inner junk. As my husband likes to say, "I have a lot of junk in my trunk." (both figuratively and literally...HA!)

I kept struggling with the same "stuff." Lots of stuff. Piles and piles of stuff.

And one thing kept coming into my heart.

"Listen."

I've always prayed for wisdom. And I have asked that no matter what the cost, I would be open to it.

And, one thing I saw was that for me to listen, a few things had to happen.

I needed to put a sock in it.

We women like to talk. Boy, do we. About everything. One thing I noticed in my study of Proverbs over and over was the theme of "silence" and "wisdom" going hand in hand. However, I was sure that didn't take aim at me...! I mean, I had good things to share...about God, above all else! And it wasn't talking bad about someone if I ended it with "Bless her heart!" So, my talking was fine. And, I needed to talk. It was therapeutic for me to talk. I could go on and on about any subject of your choosing... But, after reading James 3, about the damage my mouth can do, I took it to heart. It's time for me to hush. To stop thinking I need to impart my two cents on it all. And for that, my husband is thankful. If only, I could do this 100%... Hey, I'm a work in progress.

I needed to clear my schedule. 

I was running myself half crazy trying to be everything to everybody. See if you can relate:

"So-and-so had a baby and nobody had a shower for her?!! Well, Jesus would want me to be his hands and feet, so I better go plan a baby shower! And Needy Judy is struggling so I should call to see if we can get together to cheer her up. And I need to make a home-made meal to take to the new mom at church. Bless my neglected children's hearts. I haven't done anything from Pinterest lately like so-and-so. How does she find time to do it all? I need a girl's night. That's what I need. Friday night. But, it's been weeks since Lance and I had a date night...What??!! Home Goods is having a sale?? Look at the dust on my night stand. Good grief."

I called an audible. For Pete's sake, I just needed permission to focus on my family. To not be everyone's Savior. (We already have one and He's much better at it than I am.) To live each day slowly and know that by clearing my schedule, I cleared my mind's noise and was able to actually "listen."

I needed to find my first love. 

I love Christians. Heck, I am one. But, can I be really real? We sure can be a bunch of judgmental pious know-it-alls who walk around with about as much inner joy and peace as a bucket of lead. I have spent so many years trying to do things right (which is not a bad thing), and know the right answers that I forgot the whole reason why I believe what I believe.

Jesus.

He's my hope. My strength when I am weak. My friend when I am lonely. A father that never lets me down. My constant. My counselor. My truth. My inner peace. My joy.

My first love shouldn't be "getting it right". In Revelations, Paul told one of the churches that they had lost their "first love", which of course, was God.

Getting it right is fine and all, but when we sacrifice seeking the One who made it all, we have missed the entire mark.

I can't even tell you what this looks like. I wrestle daily with learning to grasp His love for me and what that even means. But, I can tell you this. He never disappoints. My prayers for true wisdom have not gone unanswered. He reveals things through His Word to me constantly and through His Holy Spirit. It isn't always easy. But, the inner rewards are worth the journey. Proverbs talks about seeking wisdom as a treasure. I just had to realize that I was placing value on the wrong things.

So, before I get any wordier than I already have, let me end by saying: I haven't got it figured out and I mess up royally on a daily basis, but He is faithful.

PS.  I am not returning to blogging full-time yet. I still feel the need to focus on listening to God and to be emotionally present for my kids and my husband. It's my temptation to busy myself with other things. Silence is hard. But for now, that is what I am being led to work on. This was my heart. Thanks for letting me share. I miss you guys!

What are some things God is working on in your life?