|Opie, age 8 & Peanut, age 2|
I think I am a good Mom.
But, there's always this nagging thought in the back of my mind, "Am I a good enough Mom?"
I could list you ten things right off the top of my head that make me question my abilities. And, after a heart to heart with my tearful, overwhelmed third-grader last night, my suspicions were confirmed.
I am not the mom that I want to be.
Opie was overwhelmed with school and my high expectations on him. He also admitted that he was angry and hurt because many times I don't follow through on my word.
My heart broke. In all of my striving to be so good, I had still failed.
I apologized, thanked him for sharing his feelings and we hugged it out. I assured him that I would try to be better at sticking to my word and being consistent. I told him that God was showing me ways I needed to change. It was a much-needed conversation.
After he went to bed, I shared with my husband how disappointed I was with myself.
"Brianne," he said, "he knows you are sorry and that you love him. You are more fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants and that's okay. There are moms who are better organized, but there's even a down-side to that. There are pros and cons to both. Kids can thrive in both circumstances. But, everyone makes mistakes."
"But, I don't want to make mistakes!" I told him.
"Good luck with that," he said. "Every kid will look back and see the mistakes their parents made. But, love covers a multitude of sins."
I thought about what he said. I have all day. This expectation of making no mistakes is totally unrealistic. It's actually prideful. I mean, I don't really expect to be "perfect", but I'd like to be pretty darn close.
But, is perfection what good parenting is about?
More craft time?
I'm beginning to think not.
...it's about accepting our imperfections, yet in that acceptance, asking God to change us into a better version of ourselves.
...by living this out in front of my kids, they will better understand the grace of God and not live under the pressure of perfection.
...even my mistakes are a chance for me to point my boys to the only One who will never let them down.
Now, I will continue to strive to be a better Mommy. After all, my word is important and I want my boys to be able to count on me. However, I am only human.
My ultimate goal should not be perfection as a Mom. There's no good in that.
It should be my goal to be a mother who constantly points them to the God who takes imperfections and turns them around into His glory!
Lord, make me that mother! And let my strivings for perfection and other's approval not interfere with my ability to mother these two precious souls you have given me. Let me love them as you would. Whatever that looks like...