Dark Moments

It's been the hardest two months of my life, watching my child go through physical illness with no answers from doctors.

Seeing his fear and worry. Hearing his prayers for healing. Answering his questions, "Why won't God heal me, Mama?"

NOT easy.

There have been low moments. Dark moments.

I wish I could say I've passed this test so far with flying colors, but that wouldn't be truthful.

When catastrophe hits, the real me comes out.

My distrust with God shows. My anger and resentment take over. My worry, fear, anxiety and selfishness become second nature.

But, something has changed in me this time. 

God has plunged into the depths of my heart. To bring to light areas that I have avoided. Areas I've neglected to hand over. Areas too painful to deal with.

He has used these dark moments to show me how only He can bring hope into a hopeless situation. (I have read scripture on God's hope over and over and over the past couple of weeks.) I have cried many tears and begged and pleaded with Him. I have had to be painfully honest with myself. 

You see, He has shown me that I've been too busy... with life. I've been a distracted parent and wife.

I've neglected important things because I've been distracted by unimportant things.


But, funny how when your child is sick, nothing else matters except getting them well. "Things" no longer matter at ALL.


What matters is, God has brought hope to my heart. He has filled me with peace that passes understanding. He has used this trial to transform me, my family and best of all, my relationship with Opie.

I've loved Opie, but I have not loved him well. 

I won't say I'm thankful my child is sick. No WAY. 

But, what I will say, is I am thankful for a God who radically pursues my heart and will use even the worst situations to turn my heart towards Him. Because he wants me to live this life in the full knowledge of how much he loves me. He wants me to intimately know Him. 

We will continue to pray for healing and also follow the doctor's recommendations. But, at the end of the day, I will rest in the arms of the One who spoke into existence all things. That brings my heart peace, knowing Opie is in the palm of His hands. 



Lord, grant me the strength to keep going. The faith to stay hopeful. The wisdom to make the right decisions for my precious son. And the ability to look for ways to bless others even in my dark times. Thank you for changing me. For opening my eyes to see that I had become a negative, overworked, stressed out, selfish Momma. Force me to soak in these fleeting moments with my two boys. Help me stop rushing. To play more. Wander more. To let the dust bunnies roam freely. I want to be changed, so that my boys can see You in me. Lord, you are faithful. I will praise You in all things. Thank you for healing my heart and giving me hope.

I WILL be different. I will NOT live with regrets. 

Here's to soaking it in....